Banana Salad- Meeting the Love of My Life

The first time I saw my boyfriend was during our High School Choir's Pops Concert in 2016- aka, the night I tried to get my ex back. I spent all night and the past several days before planning it out like a murder. I was all, "okay, if he says yes, we'll go out on a boat because it'll show I was listening when he said he wanted us to go out on a fucking boat. Or maybe we'll try skim-boarding again. I mean, it can't possibly be any worse than the first time I tried it. Okay, since I said that, I'm definitely going to break my hip this time, so let's not. Anyways, something in nature that has to do with water. If he says no then I cry. A lot. Then, if he hesitates, I'll whip out my boobs. My breasts aren't small and humble, so BAM here's Mount Shasta and Mount Everest." This is a hyperbole- or is it?

About halfway through the night- shortly after discussing my dastardly plans with my friend. Seeing Ben was like a scene from a movie. I was surrounded by dorky, meme spouting choir kids and somehow I went temporarily deaf. Really, I don't remember the noise at all, just his loud face. He was only a couple inches taller than me and super handsome. It definitely helped that he was wearing a choir tux, because guys that wear tuxes and sing? Might as well tattoo your name on my ass now. He had a really nicely shaped face with very dark features- looking into his eyes was like watching dark chocolate melt. You're salivating because you just want to taste the sugar- but you also feel like you're going to get burned because you suck at cooking. I loved his fucking button nose, I just wanted to take it and 0h my gosh, this guy's smile. When I replay it in my head, the memory features the "give me the booty" song and lots of different angles. He was deliciously beautiful. Swag daughter told me that he was a junior, to which I was like "Younger guy, I guess nah. We're not here to tumble with hard bananas, we want them extra ripe, so come on and focus girl, we've got a salad to make." Okay, bad analogy, but can we just refocus on the fact that "analogy" is literally "anal" and "ogy". Thanks.

My ex and I didn't get back together and I was sad. Partly because I was rejected and partially because I didn’t have the balls to flash him. Dammit, why is it that I can never have balls and boobs at the same time? My life is going to be forever ruined by my gender and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse they got better. Little did I know that the Universe was in the works of giving me exactly what I wanted. No, it wasn’t testicles.

At the Winter Concert two months later, all of my choir friends and I were in one place. My friend, Travis was cracking people's backs and Mono was making "All Star" memes. Everything was almost exactly as it normally was- except there was a new guy hanging around in the studio theater. Benjamin was talking to Aimee the same friend that told me about him before. Okay, he was only like a year younger than me, big deal. I knew I had to talk to him. He was incredibly nice, super relatable and really funny. We bonded over the first Evanescence album, you know the one that we all brought back to life? We laughed about memes and peeing on your own hands. It was the stuff of fairy tales. I knew I had to see him again. Even though he offered his jacket when it was cold, he told me later that he was totally clueless to the fact that I was into him. He liked me but the thought of asking me out just never crossed his mind. So, like a ballsy bitch, I asked for his info.

The first date was crazy… but that's for a different time :)

I hope you enjoyed my very first story in the "This Totally Happened" series! Let me know what you think and if you'd like more like this!