Learning to Love Myself (A Personal Story)

We should all, in theory, love and show love to ourselves. You are your only constant- the one person that you always get to interact with, no matter what. You're with yourself in your dreams, when you wake up, when you shower and shave, drive to work, spend your day working, and when you climb into bed after everything has been said and done so that you can spend the next day doing the same things with yourself.

So this makes sense, right?

As our only affirmed companion 25/8, it makes sense to inherently be our own best friends.

Well, that's not how it is.

Unfortunately, it is more common for people in this world to absolutely despise themselves. Until recently, I had such an auto-relationship.

I've been built up and torn down by myself and others more times than I can count. I was bullied in middle school and heart broken more than once in high school. After my eating disorder recovery, I started to fill the hole in my heart- but it emptied again months afterwards.

And now, I'm picking up the pieces. You see, the thing about self improvement is that there isn't a threshold. No one tells you when it's okay to remain as you are. Once you feel "you're good" you can't just chill and stop or you may soon have to start all over again. That was my mistake- I assumed that after nine months of recovery, my journey had reached its climax- silly 18 year old me.

After moving to Texas and getting more involved with the mechanics of the "real world" I slowly began to fall again. I didn't have friends that I could see every day (besides by lovely coworkers that either worked or were tired after work) and my boyfriend was across the country. So, I started to revert.

Of course, Benjamin had a life outside of Skyping me, so a lot of the time, I didn't have people to lean on. I thought I wasn't worthy of friends, people or love, so I hid away. I didn't have self-compassion or drive because I thought that it was all my fault. Because of this, I had a hard time reaching out to anyone but my parents over the phone- and this as only because they called to check in on me frequently.

I spent a lot of time writing and trying to build myself up on social media. The thing about social media in today's society though is that people glorify looking better than other people. We see pictures of models with "dream bodies" and girls with cute, small, angular faces that are obviously better because they've got a hot guy with abs and dimples on their sides. We hear songs on the radio with lyrics like "I'm a mess, I'm a loser, I'm a hater, I'm a user." I mean come on, really people?

It's become so normal to hate yourself in today's society. How are you supposed to feel when every song that comes on the radio is "omg relateable" but it's about all of your friends being dead and it pushing you to the edge?

At the time, all of my role models smoked and/or drank.

So I personally, started drinking and smoking.

It only got better when I decided I deserved more love for myself. I started listening to better music with higher vibes and better lyrics. I started to make my own decisions and I decided to make a change for myself. I would no longer depend on others to make me feel happy and secure in myself- I was just going to do it on my own, no matter what it took.

And you know what, it's not an easy ride and it's not to be undersold.

It's been a HELL of a six months. Since I made those decisions and I'm still working on it. I'm still picking at my face in the mirror. I'm still lonely a lot of the time. I still work two jobs and feel severely unfulfilled. But you know what? I'm still working on it. I'm actively looking for a better work environment. I'm eating healthier than I ever have and have lost several inches. Life is dragging me out on my ass and I have to scramble to get back up.

But you know what makes all of the difference? The fact that I can look at myself without makeup more days than none and say "you know what, I am beautiful and I am worth something."

That may not seem like much, but it opens up a world of possibility that I hadn't had otherwise- and it throws filters of pink over my eyes.

It's a long journey, but so long as you keep on it, I promise you'll make it.

I love you,

Savanna

#loveyourself #selfcare #control #buildingconfidence