From a Couch to a Castle

Okay, maybe the title is a bit dramatic, but it certainly feels this way.

So, last time I checked in and really wrote anything was almost exactly a month ago. Kind of crazy for me to think that I left my pride and joy aside for so long. While looking back, I'd love to say that I had the time and mental energy to dedicate to such creations, I know that just isn't true.

In the past month I:

- Attempted to finish up my personal trainer certification

- Decided to move across the country

- Drove halfway across the country by myself

- Almost lost the man that I love

- Rebuilt and solidified all of my most meaningful relationships

- Moved back into the house that I moved out of almost a year ago

The biggest change that I made to my everyday life is that I now have a home. It's a temporary home living in someone else's (who isn't here) room, but it's a gigantic house full of family and animals. Honestly, I can still barely believe it and I have had a hard time expressing just how grateful I am to be here.

Shortly after arriving, I had already unpacked most of my car into the room. I don't own much anymore, so it didn't take long, but I just couldn't wait. I couldn't figure out if it was because of fear or excitement. The feelings are so similar yet so opposing, yet they kept confusing me. It was a good thing to finally have a home, right?

Full disclosure, I haven't felt much of anything over the past few weeks. I went through a period of what felt like temporary insanity which almost destroyed my relationship with Benjamin, but after that it was next to nothing. I barely cried when I said goodbye to anyone except for Ben. When asked how I was the genuine answer was always simply, "tired". I went to work and lost myself in it, letting myself take any role, other than acknowledge everything happening in my life. I was externally tidy, but inside I knew I was a mess and I needed to start cleaning.

This next part is going to be difficult to admit... Especially since I couldn't even admit it to myself until today. After a very intimate meditation, I realized that I haven't felt "good enough" for the past year. Everything I do, I second guess. Every time I hang out with people I feel like I'm too much to deal with or I'm annoying or dampening the mood. With Benjamin, I felt like I was bringing him down, like he was too good for me. I pick at my skin constantly, I feel so ugly in my glasses and with everything going on, my fitness has not been as much of a focus as it should be.

Also, living out of peoples' houses and not having a room to call mine for a year has made me feel like a burden. Consistently. I feel like I'm in the way if I'm in a room for too long, I'm paranoid about leaving any kinds of messes, and I never stayed at someone's house more than three days. I have a hard time talking to people because I feel like if I'm always around then they're going to get sick of me. Even sitting in this room, that I was told I could stay in- I'm scared that they're going to come in here and get annoyed and tell me I'm inside too much or I have too many of my things in here.

Just to clarify, no one has ever told me that I was a burden. I mean, used to have a hard time with keeping things tidy, but my paranoia has sorta fixed that. I just feel like I can't relax- like I'll never be allowed to be in a place for too long or I'll overstay my welcome.

And I hate it!

I can barely open up to the love of my life because I'm afraid of bringing him down and I can't relax in the room that was given to me because I'm terrified of it being taken away and being homeless all over again.

I am grateful to the point of tears to be allowed to stay here and to have my own space. I feel like I've been given a new car- I want to use it all of the time and just knowing that I have it- that I can say "I'm so excited to go home and lay in my bed" - makes me beyond happy.

I guess I wrote this for a few reasons:

1. To explain to family and friends why I've been so off lately

2. To express my genuine gratitude and appreciation

3. To let my family and friends know why I'm so withdrawn.

I love you guys, and I hope you are all safe and comfy, cozy at home. I'm grateful to say that I am working on doing the same <3