Trauma- First The Blow, Then The Bruise

When one thinks of Post Traumatic Stress, we often draw ugly pictures of a disorder resulting from rape, accounts of witnessing death, near death experiences, or mental/physical abuse. We often regard the events associated with it through news stories and thriller/tragedy movies. With all of this in mind, is it possible to experience such a disorder through less particular or extreme means?

I briefly mentioned this in my post, From a Couch to a Castle, but since being welcomed into a real "home", I have been a different person in a lot of ways. I absolutely love and cherish the time that I'm with my family. I love being a part of a household again, especially knowing that I earn the right to sleep here. However, this barely shakes my worries.

While staying with friends or family, I couldn't ever feel completely comfortable. I never felt like I was welcome to linger so I always tried to stay out of the way the best that I could. Of course, it's important to be a courteous house guest, however it was an obsession for me. Fueled by a deep fear of being thrown out or mistreated again, I compulsively quieted my presence. If I used a dish, it, as well as any other dishes in the vicinity went immediately into the dishwasher. If the couch cushions or the bathroom mat were out of place, I would straighten them out. I was even afraid to leave food in their fridges for fear that they'd get angry at me for taking up space. Again, I'll emphasize that the practices and the consideration towards the home owner are normal, good things- but the anxiety behind them is not.

Everywhere I went I was scared of overstaying my welcome. I felt this while sleeping in my best friends' houses, my uncle's apartment, or in homes that I was dog sitting- even though I barely saw the owners. Even when I was in my storage unit, I was scared that I was being too loud, or storing something that I shouldn't be. Was I? In hindsight, probably not.

My first thought was PTSD. I considered it for a second, but rather decided it was outlandish. I felt similarly to the PTSD that followed eating disorder recovery and being physically taken advantage of- but because of the difference in "magnitude" I wasn't sure if that was a valid label to place. My situation, to me, wasn't significant enough for such dramatic effects. I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm dealing with, but I've made a connection that I'd like you to consider.

I went through two major traumas that have affected who I was years ago and continue to affect who I am today. Two and a half years ago, I just started recovering from my eating disorder. Almost six months later, I was raped by someone that claimed to care about me. Both had the same kinds of affects on different parts of my mind.

For two and a half years, I was terrified of what people thought of my body. No matter how much I trained or how much I weighed, I was fat. After seeing a nutritionist, rather than feeling like my mind was starting to heal, I felt like I was coming undone. My dad was making me eat way more than I was used to, so I missed several days of school and wouldn't go outside. Two of my "close" friends got sick of waiting for me to come out, so they distanced themselves from me- I convinced myself that they hated me because I was getting fat. I was terrified of what people would think of me when the walls broke down and for a while, it was just getting worse and worse.

We tend to think that our minds would immediately react to such situations, however in my experience it seems that traumatic experiences are too much to fathom as they are happening. When I had bulimia, it was normal. The mindset, the routine of binging, working out and purging had become a part of my life. When that all changed, I wasn't relieved, I was in shock. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to look at food. I just didn't know.

Then, the fear.

When someone is raped, they go into a numb shock and oftentimes can't face the reality of the situation until long afterwards. Such trauma is so strong that in many cases, integral memories of the event are blocked out- in hopes to protects oneself. Unfortunately, the self preservation tends to be in vain, because while the memories aren't there, the fear remains.

Just to be clear, I'm not speaking for all rape victims- but this is what I went through when I was raped combined with things I've read about the topic. After it happened, it took a week- and the guy making a comment about "manipulating someone to get what you want"- for me to realize what really happened. Then, the fear set in. I was afraid of intimacy, I felt like any guy that came near me was trying to "get some" and seeing him around school sent me into a state of absolute panic. This guy had once claimed to be my friend. He put on a show to make me feel like he cared about me and then took advantage of me when my defenses were down. It took a while to recover from that- a while to see my remaining guy friends in the way I had once before.

Both traumas were terrible and they never leave. If I eat too much, I always have the urge to throw it back up. If a guy friend starts to develop unrequited feelings, I get paralyzing anxiety that can only be described by saying the words "stop" and "no" and falling to the floor with my head on my knees and my hands outstretched.

They sent me into shock and then left marks on me that have only faded, but will never disappear. I feel the same kind of anxiety now, as I did then.

The whole time that I was living out of my car, I was stressing over my survival. I felt as though I was going to drop dead from lack of nutrients, kill myself because I couldn't have "me time" anywhere that wasn't around people, or get robbed because I had most of my belongings in my car. None of these things actually happened. I was in such a state of go go go- make things happen and stay alive- I didn't allow myself the time to actually consider these things- for fear of falling behind. However, since the thoughts and feelings were so real to my brain, they lingered and eventually started to turn into my reality.

1. Trauma

2. Shock.

3. Fear

Traumatic experiences don't just happen and pass.

So, I'd like you to consider: is a buildup of bad experiences as bad as one horrible trauma? If so, then should we treat such trauma in the same way.

We should have the same consideration and lend the same compassion to anyone that is suffering. No matter what. Now that I have felt such pain and fear, I will always consider someone's reality and how it has shaped them. Will you?

For those of you that feel similar pain, take a rest. Give yourself time to be loving and nurturing towards yourself. Fighting and running is what got you here in the first place- there is always a battle to be fought, but we must heal our wounds before we can show up and steal the show.

"The human brain works slowly: first the blow, hours afterward the bruise." ~ Walter de la Mare

#ptsd #posttraumaticstressdisorder #trauma #fear #anxiety #shock #eatingdisorder #bulimia #rape #dealingwithtrauma